Transcript: Breaking Up Shouldn't Be a Breakdown

On Dating
Episode “Breaking up shouldn’t be a breakdown”

Andrea Syrtash: We can't talk about dating on the show without talking about one of the hardest parts of dating, breaking up. I am Andrea Syrtash and this is On Dating.
Do you think that most breakups you have gone through are a blessing in disguise?
Woman on street: I think that most breakups I have gone through are not a blessing in disguise because I do not like breakup's which is why I do not really date people.
Woman on street: Some of them I think it was good, yes I guess it was the right thing to do because it was not the right person for me in the long run.
Woman on street: Definitely everything in life is a surprise and it is a blessing. So as you go through it you might think that something is right for you and later on you discover that it is not but the experience you would not trade it but you definitely do not want to be in it again.
Man on street: Well because if I would not have broken up with the girls that I have broken up with before and the chain of what's going on then I would never have met the girl that I'm with now for six years.
Andrea Syrtash: We are on location today at Madison Square Park and we are joined by another relationship expert Lisa Steadman the author of this fantastic book, It is a Break up, not a Breakdown. Welcome Lisa.
Lisa: Hi, thank you.
Andrea Syrtash: It is good to have you here.
Man on street: Lisa: Thanks in to be here.
Andrea Syrtash: Now I know that this book was born out of a fabulous very popular blog that you started called the breakup chronicles. Can you tell me more about that?
Lisa: Sure, I started breakupchronicles.com about three years ago, I really wanted to create an online community where people to talk about how breaking up was a positive thing and how it led to different things in life that they may not have experienced had they have gone through with the wrong person.
Andrea Syrtash: So it just sounds like a fabulous community for people to vent, process, share their breakup stories.
Lisa: That is exactly what it is, and it is an amazing place for people to really get their feelings out and really share their experiences and learn from each other as well as from their own experiences.
Andrea Syrtash: Yeah, community, community, and community I always tell clients just to reach out to friends and family and people who can support you during such a hard time. I know in the book that you talk about the boo-hoo crew, so who is the boo-hoo crew?
Lisa: Your boo-hoo crew is your core group of friends that are really going to help you get through this breakup; it usually is about three people. They should be friends that can help you commiserate, but can also help remind you why your ex is not good for you, why he is no longer worth pining over. So boo-hoo crews are really important.
Andrea Syrtash: So Lisa who should be in this boo-hoo crew? Should it be friends who knew you're ex well should it be other people, what do you suggest?
Lisa: The most important thing when you're taking your boo-hoo crew is to pick friends who really know you who know how to kind of motivate you to get through your breakup and I would not suggest picking people who are close to your ex. Because you do not want them going to your accent saying, oh she had this setback, she is crying all the time.
Andrea Syrtash: Definitely a breakup don’t, which is a great segue into the don'ts, the cardinal breakups in his in your book which I love. What are some of the ones that you highlight?
Lisa: Well definitely do not spiral out of control with asking yourself why, you know why did this happen, what's going on, what did I do wrong? Because the truth is you are never going to get those questions answered and you really going to kind of stall your recovery by asking these questions.
Andrea Syrtash: That is a great point. I think another cardinal breakup sin is saying to your self or your friends, and I've heard this from a lot of clients, it does not make sense we still love each other or it does not make sense I still care for him or her. That does not mean he should be together right?
Lisa: That is so true I think it is really tempting after a breakup to think that the love is still there so maybe we should reconnect. Or you know we tend to think that because there is love there should be a relationship, but when you are ending a relationship the love does not automatically disappear. So it is just really important to make peace with the fact that there may be love still there but it is still time to end the relationship and the relationship is over.
Andrea Syrtash: Lisa thank you so much for coming on today and sharing your amazing insight on getting through a breakup.
Lisa: Thank you so much for having me.
Andrea Syrtash: So thanks for watching On Dating and remember even a bad date makes a great story, so get out there and always have fun. I am Andrea Syrtash, see you next time.