Episode “Uncomfortable topics”

Andrea Syrtash: we are talking about who pays for a date and other uncomfortable topics on today’s show. I am Andrea Syrtash and this is On dating.

What is the most uncomfortable thing about dating?

Man on street: When you break up with someone that’s always a little awkward.

Woman on street: Breaking the no touch rule. Because I always get uncomfortable when somebody’s trying to touch me when I don’t want them to.

Man on street: The whole rejection thing, du du dun!

Man on street: In my experience picking up my date, the father. Being there.

Man on street: the first date asking the person out would be the most uncomfortable thing.

Woman on street: Trying to establish who is going to pay for things and you need to ask who is going to pay for something up front that makes it really uncomfortable.

Andrea Syrtash: At the beginning of dating a new person we all have uncomfortable moments. There are three areas I often get asked about, how do you break up with someone online who you haven’t even met yet? Who should pay on the first date? How do you end a date with a person who you don’t really want to see again? All valid questions and lets face it all awkward.

What happens when you meet a new person you are more interested in?

This happens all the time, you start emailing someone and you are close to booking a date, but that fabulous new person pops up. You’re no longer really interested in the other one. My experience with clients is suck it up and tell the person you have been emailing for awhile that since you have began corresponding you have in fact met someone in the real world.

Look it should be no surprise you are dating; you met on a dating site after all. Just don’t disappear cold turkey if you have emailed more than a few times. Not cool.

Who pays on a first date?

Of course there are exceptions, but the general rule is if you want to hang out again. It is totally un cool for the guy not to get the tab on the first date. It is actually a big complaint I hear from women as they debrief a date.

So when the bill comes it should go down something like this. Man pulls out his wallet, woman pulls out hers. Man says, oh no, no it’s on me. Woman, are you sure. Man insist; yeah my pleasure. Woman of course thanks him and if she likes him adds, I will get it next time.

See easy, now even though the man should pay on the first date that doesn’t mean a woman shouldn’t offer to contribute to a part of it, like desert after dinner. But guys get the main event and insist with a smile, if you don’t she will notice. If you’re strapped for cash, suggest a cheaper dating spot like a glass of wine or a walk and an ice cream. That way you won’t dread picking up the tab.

How do you end a date with someone you don’t want to see again?

With online dates and blind dating it is common not to want to book a second date after the initial meeting. But it is awkward, especially if you have had a nice evening together. A number of men say I will call you when there date is coming to a close. They may know there is no way they will ever dial there dates digits again but perhaps it’s a pleasant way to end the evening. Wrong. Don’t do that.

A woman would much prefer you to say thank you nice to meet you good night, and make that the end of it. Don’t pretend you are going to follow up if your not. Women same thing goes for you. Keep it simple at the end. Of course if the guy pays you’re going to want to thank him and then just get out if there fast. Just say thank you goodnight. If the guy follows up to book a date again, you can email back something like this.

Dear date,

Thank you for the invitation. However, I don’t feel a romantic connection. I wish you all the best.

I think you get the point. In dating there are always awkward moments but the fewer the hurt feelings the better. If you’re not interested in your date that’s ok it happens all the time and people are more resilient than you realize. So be considerate even when your not interested and when you are interested guys pick up the tab. Because dividing the check and counting change at the table is, well it’s not a turn on.

Here is a reminder of how to handle some uncomfortable dating situations:

Be honest if you meet someone else. Guys get the tab. Everybody don’t pretend you’re going to follow up if you’re not.

Thanks for watching On dating and remember even a bad date makes a great story, so get out there and have some fun. I am Andrea Syrtash see you next time.

Andrea Syrtash: Hi I am back in the studio today and answering questions from viewers. I am Andrea Syrtash and this is On Dating.
Where is the best place to take a blind date and why?

Man on street: Just a nice well lit bar, I think would be the best, somewhere where the crowds doesn’t freak anyone out.
Man on street: I would say somewhere where there is a lot of people; you know coffee, Starbucks coffee place.
Woman on street: Maybe doing something really fun, like going to an amusement park or something like that. As opposed to meeting in a restaurant or the old clichéd date.
Man on street: A bar that’s not too noisy, where you can talk.

Woman on street: Talking over food is always nice, it eases the tension.

Andrea Syrtash: This question comes to us from Andy in Austin, Tx. Andy asks, what is the best pre-date, in your opinion?
The pre-date, the initial meeting to see if one wants to book a more substantial date. Ok, I want to remind everyone that before you even consider meeting a person you should take about a week, or two or three communications on email or over the phone before you book the pre-date. Trust me, you are going to chat with a lot of people online and you’re not going to want to meet them all. Just don’t draw out communications for moths and months that will increase frustration and frustrations.
So you have emailed and spoken a few times, with a great person online, and you want to meet. But you don’t want to invest tons of time and money before you have met this person. I have some ideas.

The biggest pre-date mistake is meeting for some coffee on a Sunday at three p.m., boring. Talk about a buzz kill. Listen you don’t need to invest tons of hours to really create the atmosphere you need to see if there are romantic sparks. A great predate is meeting at a tapas bar after work. A tapas bar, not a topless bar. A tapas bar, you know with a variety of Spanish appetizers. The mood at this place is generally festive, the happy hour prices are usually reasonable.
And suggesting a spot like this makes you seem a little more creative and fun than the other people your date is meeting online. I you don’t like your date you are in and out with perhaps a nice sangria buzz.

Another idea, if the weather is nice and you live near a nice big park like central park in New York or a great pedestrian walkway like Third Street in Santa Monica, those are easy pre-date spots. It takes the pressure off to walk around while getting to know each other, and the sites you see and the dogs you meet are great conversation starters. You can make your destination an ice cream or a drink. Certainly a cheap pre-date option.

Here are some tings to remember about the pre-date: Know before you go. Keep your pre-date short. Tapas bar= Great pre-date. Outdoor pre-dates are good. And a cheaper option. So I hope I gave you just a few pre-date options. Thanks for watching On Dating, and remember even a bad date makes a great story. So get out there and have some fun, I am Andrea Syrtash; I will see you next time.

Do you know someone who has met their significant other online?

Woman on street: I actually met an American lady the other day and she met her husband to be, online.

Man on street: I know a lot of people who have met people through online dating services.

Woman on street: I have two friends actually, one I already went to the meeting. And one the already met. At fist actually I think that they had to go out a few times before they hit it off.

Woman on street: I have two friends who are getting married in a couple of weeks and they met online.

Man on street: My girlfriend who I live with and have lived with for the last seven years I have met online.

Andrea Syrtash: We are in the studio today with Doctor Ian Kerner, a relationship expert with match.com, the world’s largest internet dating site. Welcome Ian.
Ian Kerner: Hi Andrea.

Andrea Syrtash: Nice to meet you, so what do you tell people who say there is a stigma with dating people online?
Ian Kerner: I say get over it. There is over a hundred million singles out there and I honestly bet that if you ask the vast majority of them, they would say thy now people who have met online. They are going online, or they are open to the idea of going online for dating. As an example at match.com I think there alone 500,000 people said they were now in relationships that were life changing.

Andrea Syrtash: Half a million people.

Woman on street: Half a million in one year. So I think get over any stigmas, the internet is here to stay, its part of the fabric of our life and its here to stay. The way we shop, the way we interact, the way we communicate, and it has permanently changed the way that we date.

Andrea Syrtash: That’s very true. So Ian what have you seen change in the world of online dating?

Ian Kerner: I think one of the big changes is the diversity and scope of people. So it’s a huge pool of people and you know there used to be a time when you would go online and you would say I am meeting the same guys and the same women over and over again. But I don’t think that’s happening any more.

And I think that’s the big change, that there is just so much diversity. And I think one of the great things about going online is you sort of get out of your type. Because you meet lots of new people. Let yourself be surprised, it’s a great way to sort of stretch your boundaries. Move to outside our type.

Andrea Syrtash: Right, try everything.

Ian Kerner: Try everything. I think that’s the big change that I have seen.

Andrea Syrtash: So what are some of your favorite success stories from the online dating world?

Ian Kerner: Well, you know I think my favorite success stories involve seniors. And people that are in their fifties and sixties. Because when you hear online dating you obviously think of people in their twenties or thirties, who are internet savvy and have cell phones and blackberries and are totally getting it. But I have found some many seniors. People in there sixties, seventies, eighties, who might have been a little internet shy, jump in there and their mastering it. So their coming out and their finding love online. So I always love when I hear those success stories.

The other thing I always love is you will go online, you will go on a date and you will meet someone, you like that person and you find out they live in your building. Or you know they were raised two doors down from you. So it really shows you that sometimes love, can be just across the street, just around the corner or even upstairs.
Andrea Syrtash: that’s really cool and I think that’s a really important thing to point out to people, you just don’t know even who is around.

Ian Kerner: Nope, and you know match.com and all of the online sites they allow you8 to broaden your reach, but also target and focus. So you know there is so many members, and there is so many people in your community, and you know I think it is just such a great alternative.

Benjamin Franklin said the definition of insanity I to do the same thing over and over again and expect a new result. And I think prior to online dating, that is what a lot of us would do. We would go to the same bars, the same parties. And I think online dating just really allows you to do new things in new ways.

Andrea Syrtash: And new members are popping up every day. So that’s a great point. So the advice. I know you said get over it. What else would you tell people who are unsure if they want to make the online dating leap?

Ian Kerner: You can go on and have complete confidentiality, complete anonymity, you can start to browse around and see who out there. You can read other peoples profiles, see how other people are presenting themselves. You can start to figure out, well this might be the kind of person that I like or don’t like. So I would say sort of take an opportunity to study the site a little bit. And watch and be an observer before you jump in. and I think the main thing is to just get your toes wet in the shallow end.

Andrea Syrtash: Ok Ian, what do you think the future of online dating is?

Ian Kerner: Well, I think the future of online dating is the future of the internet. Online video tutorials. Audio. I think that the future s going t be people are going to be able to blog, and really social network. And messaging each other. And I just think wherever the internet is going, that’s were dating and online dating is going to go.
And internationalization. I just think, you know we are going to see whatever country you are in, whatever language you speak, you are really going to be able to have internationalized, globalized experiences.

Andrea Syrtash: That’s so great global dating, what a great thing.

Here is what we learned from Dr. Ian Kerner:
1. Get over the stigma
2. Broaden your dating scope online
3. Try new thing in new ways
4. Be a observer first before you join a dating site

To find out more visit of course, match.com, or Ian Kerners personal website, Ian Kerner.com. And our website ONnetworks.com Thanks for watching on dating, and remember even a bad date makes a great story. So get out there and have some fun. I am Andrea Syrtash; I will see you next time.

AS: These days we all know somebody who has fell in love online. In fact, forty million people in this country are using online dating services. Forty million! But with almost fifteen hundred sites, and so many options, how do these people even find each other? Today I am going to take you through the world of online dating, and help you navigate to find the right match for you. I'm Andrea Syrtash, and this is On Dating.

Q: Do you think people are honest in their online dating profiles?

Woman on street: Um, I think online profiles generally are probably sixty forty. Sixty playing up the lies, forty truthful.

Man on Street: They lie sometimes on the profiles on the internet. I would to maybe! Woman on street: I believe people who go online and try to make themselves appear better then what they really are and usually it's really deceiving.

Two women: I definitely don't think people are honest with online dating no. you make yourself out to be fabulous. I am five foot seven and look like Claudia Shiffer!

Woman on street: I think a lot of people are not very honest. When they are stating their profiles online.

Man on Street: Some people are very honest in their online dating profiles. And there's a term for those people their called lonely. And unattached, because you got to bait the hook.

AS: This is my friend Dave. Dave refuses to date online; he says he will meet his ideal woman in the real world. In the mean time, he's asked my sister and all of my friends to be his date at various weddings, and various social functions. What is the wait? In dating we all have to take risks and put ourselves out there. And a great way to do that and get some immediate activity is to date online. So you're ready to make the leap and go online. Where do you even begin? Here are some things to consider. Are you looking for a niche site? For instance Jdate.com tends to attract people in the Jewish community. Or people who want to find a Jewish date. There are groups and niche sites for everybody. Different dating sites have different levels of membership and services. Now, most of them will give you a free trial window where you can just try out the site and see how it works. And then you pay by the month, six months, or a year. Obviously you're going to save the most money if you opt for the year all at once. Figure out how much help you want from the site you're signing up for. So a site like EHarmony, you're paying a little more, but you're really getting extra service from them. So figure out do you want the site to give you suggestions and personality tools? Or do you just want to do it all on your own? There is a lot of debate as to what the top dating sites are. I will share my top five, and you can pick one that's best for you. Date.com, this is a great site and it's not just for heterosexuals. There is a great gay and lesbian community you can access as well. Date.com has a fabulous referral program, so if you invite some friends to join you will get a bonus for that. And one thing I find great about the site, is it's connected to a career builder. So you can actually find a job and a date at the same time. Lavalife. My friends that are clients of lavalife, report it's a little more fun and funky than some of the other sites. Now a great thing about lavalife, is that they really value your privacy. So you can choose who sees your profile. There's a webcam option if you're into that. And instead of paying a online monthly fee, you go with credits. You pay for credits. And that entitle you to Im to chat to email and to contact members. Yahoo is a great site if you want some virtual assistance in the match making arena. They give you some great choices and some great matches. Now they give you one week for free, then you pay $24.95 a month. For three months you pay $16.65. And if your going to go for six months all at once, its $12.49. I think there hoping you're going to meet your match after six months. EHarmony. As I mentioned before EHarmony places a lot of emphasis on virtual match making. They will really work for you to make sure that you're matched up really well based on important criteria. They don't just look at your picture or bio, they consider everything. From your faith to your ideas and your values. They give you a survey and a questionnaire of over four hundred questions. To insure that you meet your match. And finally we have match.com. Match.com claims to be the world's number one online dating site. It's no surprise. When you look online you see people from over 240 countries, 18 languages. I mean there's something for everyone. I associate Doctor Phil with Match, he is defiantly their relationship Guru on board. You can flirt on the site for free, but you need to subscribe to email. Things to consider when online dating: -There are lots of niche sites for everyone -Each site has different cost for different services -Some sites will help more than others. AS: A great part of the online dating community is you can see just how many people are in the exact same position as you. As I said before there are literally million of people just waiting to meet each other.

So remember even a bad date is a great story. So get out there and have some fun. Thanks for watching today. I'm Andrea Syrtash for On Dating, and I will see you next time.